I have made some big changes in my life in the past 3 months or so. Changes I've talked about and thought about and wished for for many years. It may seem like just a surface thing... like, "Oh Natalie is finally actually exercising." But, believe me, it is more than that. The biggest change is in my head and my gut. Most of 2009 I spent sitting on my backside, feeling hopeless, feeling like a failure, feeling that nothing would ever change. I ballooned up to a really disgusting weight, my highest ever. Well, I sucked it up and made the necessary doctor's appointments, got a YMCA membership and started doing something about it. No, the doctor still isn't about to do surgery on my knee so I'm stuck bone on bone with the pain that accompanies that. I found out that my shoulder pain was from a tear in the rotator cuff. He isn't gonna fix that either. He sent to physical therapy and gave me pain medicine. The physical therapy has been great and I'm almost done with it. I have a plan in place to replace those hours with strength training once the PT is done. I have tried some cardio, which I suck at but I'll keep trying till it gets easy. Then I'll work harder. I spend about 1.5 to 2 hours 4-5 days a week working in the water. I do an exercise class and then I swim laps. The first day, I couldn't even complete one continuous lap. Now, AFTER a 1 hour water exercise class (and trust me, Kendra gives you a serious workout) I am up to 12 laps. I follow that with some water walking in the current track.

As I said, it would be easy to think that it is all just attempt number 3012 for me to lose weight, get healthier and live a more active life but the biggest change is inside me. I can't explain it. I am not the same Natalie. Join me or get out of my way. MANY years ago in AlAnon I was given a little story called, "Autobiography in 5 Short Chapters" by Portia Nelson. It made me cry because I could so see myself stuck forever between Chapter 2 and 3. When I was really on track and working the program, I lived in Chapter 3. Most times I was still floundering around making excuses and thinking it wasn't my fault, "it" being anything.

The best way I can describe the change in me lately is I've skipped straight to chapter 5 and I'm LIVING there. Hell with accepting responsibility and avoiding the damn hole. I'M TAKING ANOTHER STREET ENTIRELY.

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS
by Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.