This is my middle child, Cheyenne. She is 19 and is expecting a baby this August. I have been thinking about her a lot lately. Looking for pictures of the older kids wearing things I made for them made me realize that I really didn't make nearly as many things for Cheyenne as I did for the oldest two.

When Chey came along, I was not only working full time with an hour commute each way, I was also taking college classes and was separated from my husband for about 2 years. We just made 20 years in January but we definitely were having rough times when Cheyenne was little. I quit working full time when she was about 5 so that I could homeschool and I always spent a lot of time with her as with all my kids. But I know that she always felt that she was in Bonni's shadow. To meet her, it is hard to imagine her in anyone's shadow. She is so beautiful and talented. And I always felt that she had the strongest desire to be "good" and to do what was right. That makes it hard for those of us who have always known and loved her to understand some of her choices lately. I feel that she has lost herself somehow.

I know that I have never loved her or cherished her less than any of her siblings but I have to admit that she did get shortchanged during her early years (up to about 12) on pure-dee ole time. I have always had a tendency to allow more time and resources for the oldest child. I guess because I feel that I am running out of time with them. I am starting to feel that way about Gini. When Bonni was a teen (and the type who was just successful at everything she tried and so darned sweet that you couldn't hate her for it) I know that it seemed that she got the Lion's share of the attention. When Cheyenne was a teen (and still at home), I spent every little bit of time, money and energy I had supporting her desire to perform. She has a beautiful gift and people so love to hear her sing - I believe that she deserved that chance. But Gini and Harmoni didn't get as much time and attention as they probably should have during that time.

Notice I skipped right over Cameron. Honestly, if anyone has a right to complain, it is him. During the years when I would ordinarily have been making sure he had the chance to pursue his interests and dreams, he moved in with his Grandma to take care of her so she wouldn't have to go to assisted living. He gave up his teenage years out of love for his Grandma. People who knew him during that time were so amazed at the selflessness and love he showed for her. It got to the point where she required round the clock care and was bedfast. He even took care of her through peritoneal dialysis for several years. And when she went to hemodialysis, the nurses at the unit fell in love with him because he would help anyone in any way that he could. I was, along with many other people, in awe of him. This was from the time he was 15-18. Every few weeks, Bonni or Cheyenne would stay with her to give him a break for a week or so but it was pretty much all him. There were people who thought it was wrong of me to allow it. There were people who thought she should have just been sent to a nursing home. What they don't realize is that it would have been over his dead body. She finally went into a nursing home a few months before she died because she knew her time was short and she wanted him to have a chance to let go a little before he had to let go all the way.

His education didn't suffer because she was probably a better teacher than I was anyway. She was one of the smartest people I've ever known. She dropped out of school in 8th grade to get married and went to technical school in her 30s to become an operating room nurse. After a heart attack at 48, she went back to college and graduated Magna Cum Laude. She was an autodidact in the truest sense of the word. I guess it is no wonder I became a homeschooler after all:o) I can't even imagine having gone through being a teenage mom without her. She handled every situation with good old fashioned common sense, love and grace. She had the faith of a giant and embodied the meaning of "endure to the end".